When the Rush is Over

We are literally emerging from darkness and desolation into this Spring of 2021.  The destructive storms of plague, weather, violence have scorched our community. At last there is break. There are vaccines. There are new flowers and leaves.  The light is literally coming back into our lives.  

It’s tempting to just want to forget.

At this one-year anniversary of what Queen Elizabeth of England might have called an Annus Horribilis (year of misfortune) we may simply want to say “Whew, that’s done. I just want to forget that it all happened.”  At our recent COVID anniversary Grand Rounds panel, more than one person talked about having no time to debrief and regenerate.  “The next one was coming in.”  “Better to just put that on the shelf right now and deal with it later.”  “I don’t do feelings very well.” 

Truth is, we can’t. And, we really shouldn’t.

For some people, the enormity of the stress, fear and sadness can go on the shelf. But for a good-sized fraction of us, leaving it on the shelf will eat at our insides.  We can’t sublimate it forever. We will require sedation (through drugs or shopping or something else) or act out in our relationships.  Some will be in a bad way in the aftermath.  

The media undoubtedly will focus on post-traumatic stress disorder.  Let me not minimize that.  Get help now to prevent the “nervous breakdown” by allowing yourself to take the experience off of the shelf in small manageable doses.  An ounce of tertiary prevention…

But more importantly - have you considered what we will *miss* if we leave it on the shelf?

The past year should not only be attended to because of the damage it has done. We also must remember it because if its gifts - what we might gain from it. And, because of what we would lose if we just “put it on the shelf.“

Join me in a quick thought experiment:
After all you have experienced and endured, do you really want life back just as before?  Or do you want to build it back better? If a hurricane came through, would you want the same house — or one that was stronger?  Or another example: I’m betting Texans don’t want the same electrical grid they had before: they want better.

The good news is that in the last year, you have built some major improvements to your internal infrastructure – and may not even have noticed.  

1. You probably found strength to surmount terror and disaster. It’s one thing to help patients when you can leave healthy and go to a safe home, family and neighborhood. It’s another when you are fighting for a patient and knowing that the pathogen is coming for you and your loved ones, too.

2. You probably discovered that a lot of what we get upset about really does not matter in the big scheme of things. For those who have lost someone, I’m betting all the old annoyances pale in comparison to their desire to be able to hug that person again.

3. If you are like me, you may have discovered the incredibly good fortune we had to have meaningful work, enough PPE, and to be at the cutting edge of solutions, including being first in line for vaccines.

4. I learned from being your colleague and your patient how incredibly compassionate, brave and kind you are. I watched you dispense the most important medication – Hope. You found it, even if you were not sure where to find it. Did you realize you were doing all of that?

5. We learned how generations of healers who went to the bedside of the sick when there were no cures prepared us for this very moment. This is who healers are at our finest. Did you realize you were at your finest this last year?

If we simply put all of that on the shelf and forgot about it, imagine all that would be lost.

Grit. Growth. Gratitude.
These are the gifts we must not forget.

If you are uncomfortable in your skin, that’s a wonderful sign.  Your feelings are asking you to do something to change. Take it this year off the shelf.  Let it change you. It is time to shed your skin and grow.  

You have worked for it.  You have earned it.  And nobody – most of all you yourself—is going to deprive you of it.  

(Please, if you feel you need help, are stuck or don’t know how to get help, talk to your manager, use the Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) or if you need a private conversation or help getting a NM psychiatry appointment, feel free to email me at aamberg@nm.org.  For any thoughts of suicide, please go immediately to the ER for evaluation, call 911 or the national suicide hotline at 800-273-TALK or -8255)