Are there any bad emotions…?

Are there any bad emotions….?

One of my teachers said to me, “There are no negative emotions.”   I really struggled with this. As far as expectations, I had been the recipient of endless commercials where a TERRIBLE PROBLEM like bad breath or dirt on the floor resulted in happiness, in only 30 seconds, with the purchase of the right product.  Happiness is the goal, right?  Feeling good is the goal, right? And any negative emotions are to be solved, eliminated (quickly) with things or services you can buy.

No negative emotions? Of course there are negative emotions—or so I thought.  How could my depression’s sadness or my anxiety positive?  Who could welcome anxiety, which feels like living inside a horror movie?  Except I get anxiety at good things, too…

And sadness – how is that not a negative emotion? What do I do with tears when I’m watching Romeo and Juliet?  Or crying at a funeral?  Or having tears of happiness – which is confusing, because it still feels like I’m crying?

It’s not just sadness that I feel – some characterize disgust as an emotion. And pain – who would see the emotion of pain as not negative? Then there’s anger – never been seen as a good thing in relationships.  

And even though I have all of these emotions, in American popular culture, only one of them – happiness –  is acceptable.  (The second choice for men is anger and the second choice for women is sadness – so men yell when they are sad and women cry when they are angry.)

 Step Back: Maybe These Emotions ARE “Positive”…

Take a closer look at our emotions: there is actually a strong adaptive need for each of them, including the negative emotions.  Fear gets us away from the robber trying to mug us.  Pretty adaptive.  Anxiety equips us for the unknown – like a first date or saying “I do.”  It helps us be ready to meet a threat or improves our performance in sports.  So we need it.  Anger – ah, everyone fears anger – but look at the number of nonprofits and charitable acts provoked by anger at an injustice in the world, or a medical or social problem with no answer.   The energy of anger, turned into passion, can be a very powerful tool.

Along the same lines, disgust is another way of keeping us away from harm (initially thought to prevent taking poisonous or dangerous items).  Pain is the last defense, when the noxious stimulus is actually upon us.   Cool huh?

And while happiness brings us into relationship, sadness helps to keep us there, because we would be sad to lose the good relationship that happiness has built.  The size of the sadness is always equal to the size of the joy and love – or the promise of joy and love.  The more we care, the more – someday—we will have to feel the sadness from loss.

Embrace Your Negative Emotions –

It Will Help You Help Your Patients Navigate Theirs

Do our patients have all of these emotions?  You bet.  Are they heightened because of their health crisis?  Yep.  Are they appropriate?  Absolutely. When we change our focus from trying to make patients happy, to helping patients feel whole in their emotions and thoughts by honoring them, and teaching them how to use them adaptively – they feel better.  And we feel better.  Our self-worth doesn’t hang on them being happy in an unhappy situation.  We can feel just fine with their anger or fear or pain.  

Peace,

Tony